Losing my wallet has been the biggest adventure since I moved out of the states. Really.
It doesn't matter when I lost it. Considering that John Mark also lost his wallet this month, I'm thinking this has less to do with me than outside forces anyway. I didn't realize that it was gone till a day later.
I have been amazed at how much God has provided for us. It is truly incredible. Considering that we had no idea how we were going to be able to stay down here without any way to work to support ourselves, but he has provided a miracle every month. People who don't have much have donated huge sums of money to help us. Words can not express the mystery of his provision. This year, we have experienced losing the house, living off half our regular salary, and, the ultimate worst in financial failure, not being able to pay our bills. That was the specter I had been raised with, the unnameable ghost. "We aren't going to have enough to pay our bills."We always did, until this year. For me, not paying was liberating. money lost its fearful aspect. Even if we were in financial ruin, we could still have a good life and hope for something good. That is what I learned this year.
We were provided for again beyond our expectations this month. We have been careful with what we have received, and we are both excited and grateful that we are thriving. Then something changed and I had to face the money monster again. I lost my wallet. In the states, that is an inconvenient though not devastating turn of events. Cards are canceled, new ones received in the mail (which doesn't exist here). But what happens when your husband already canceled his cards when he thought his wallet was gone? What happens when you have the money you need, but it is trapped in a machine, the card is the key, and the key is gone?
I do have another card, but it is not authorized for use in Mexico, and I have forgotten the pin since I haven't used it in six months. It is a little like a nightmare. Not the kind where you wake up screaming, but the kind that keeps you agitated and nervous all night, half asleep. You awake uncomfortable, exhausted, and with a bad feeling in your stomach. I have been having flashed of that feeling all day. I thought I was passed this: letting money control my emotional well-being. I have fought it hand and claw, and I have won. today.
It has been interesting being uncomfortable. So much of my life is comfortable. it is simple. I am reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. The premise of the book is that the things that make a good story are the same as the things that make for a good life. He argues that each of us is telling a story with our lives. Some people try to tell stories about struggling to pay off debt, or keeping up with the newest SNL, and then wonder why we feel unfulfilled in our lives. We tell boring stories. The idea is that if we are intentional about it, we will learn to tell better and better stories. The most important part of the book is that characters have to suffer to change. If they aren't in crisis, they won't change. None of us will. We need conflict. We are all fighting for peace and comfort in our lives but peace and comfort are not what makes a good story. Overcoming things make for a good story. We need the struggle. Without it, we are jerks.
I have been thinking about struggling and losing my wallet together. First off, because I am reading the book right now, but also because it is the most difficult thing that has happened to me in a while. I am learning to trust God through this experience. He has provided the money, he will provide a way to access it.
As a result of reading that book, I have made some achievable goals for myself. Basically I have reiterated my New Years Resolutions, or whatever you want to call those lines in the sand we draw for ourselves.
These are my stories:
1) girl who is seriously talking about haveing a baby preparing by getting in shape (inciting incident: prophetic dream.)
2) girl learning Spanish and trying to get her husband to learn Spanish too. (inciting incident:living in Mexico)
3) girl spending more time writing and less time reading or watching tv
there are a couple other things that have changed around here (like playing atmosphere music all day, singing more, and building solar ovens) but they are just part of the type of general overhaul we all need every few months. I am really grateful that we can start something new whenever we need to. And that we have a new year to remind of new things when we have become too entrenched to see our destructive habits.
The night that I realized I had lost my wallet, I was walking back to my apartment by myself, upset because I knew it would be difficult to fix the situation. I was trying not to cry, and feeling boody. I walked past my next door neighbor whom I have never seen before. I greeted him with the standard Mexican Spanish greeting buena noche.
Buena noche he returned. Then he went beyond the minimum requirement for friendliness with strangers on the street. Como esta? His demeanor was so friendly and upbeat. He really wanted an answer. Bien. Muy bien. Gracias. I returned, and suddenly I felt better. The call and response has the comfort of familiarity, but it was more than that. There was no reason to feel differently. Our financial situation was still complicated. But I had an encounter with someone whose kindness and friendliness really did change my night. I was able to let that stress and frustration go in the face of something so much more important: human interaction. I felt blessed. Like that man had given me something real and tangible. I have never felt that way about an interaction before. Maybe I was more sensitive because I was so fragile in that moment. It was that fragility that showed me something so profoundly simple. I don't know what that moment means, but I know that it means something. and that makes this mess seem to mean something too. It seems worth it.
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